My first love

My first love...  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was 17 years old and about as mature as a 2 year old.  This boy who had had a crush on me for about 5 years had turned his attention to another girl.  She was younger and spunkier than I was, and I wasn't having any of it.  So me, being the 2 year old that I was, decided I should date him to prove that I was much better than any spunky, cheerleading 16 year old.  I started dating this boy to prove a point, that I was better than someone else, and what do ya know?  I fell in love.  Well, I fell in what 2 year olds would call love.

It was midway through my junior year and I'd never fallen in "love" before.  The first few weeks I insisted that he walked at least 5 feet behind me, carry my books, and tell absolutely no one that we were dating.  He wasn't popular, he wasn't cute, he wasn't even funny.  Why would I want anyone knowing of our unfortunate coupling?  The weeks drew on and I kind of started to fall for his immature charm, and also I realized if I wanted him to get over that 16 year old and start crushing on me again I was going to have to work a little harder at pretending to like him.  Mostly the latter of the two got me going. 

We started holding hands and making out in the dark corners of the hallways (what all the couples did in high school).  It was kinda cute, kinda exciting.  I'd never had a real boyfriend before.  He still had a thing for that 16 year old though.  What the hell was I supposed to do?  Nada.  There wasn't much I could do.  He was a boy obsessed. 

He cheated on me about 3 months into the relationship.  Not with the 16 year old, she wouldn't give him the time of day.  He wasn't popular, he wasn't cute, and he wasn't even funny.  Why would she?  He cheated on me with a girl who had a boyfriend.  She didn't want him, he tried to force himself on her.  Bam.  And that's how I came to be dating a semi-rapist.  But I still couldn't break up with him, cause I was obsessed.  I had to get him to like JUST me.  It was like a sick, twisted little game that I couldn't quit playing.  Who was worse, the semi-rapist or the girl that needed his love?

Senior year began and we had all sorts of troubles.  We'd spent the summer apart because my friends had convinced me to break up with him and date some other creep, which lasted about a second.  I was still obsessed.  He dated other girls for a while.  The 16, almost 17, year old was one of them.  He'd had a taste, now it was no turning back for him.  But somehow, I still convinced him to break up with her and date me again.  So we began dating again.

A month went by and I lost my virginity to him.  It wasn't romantic.  It wasn't anything like I thought it should have been.  I went home that night and cried knowing I messed up horribly.  I lost my virginity to someone who wasn't popular, wasn't cute, and wasn't even funny, but more importantly to someone I didn't trust.  But I still thought I loved him, and that's what kept me going.

A week later I found out he'd been cheating on me the entire time we'd been dating with his best friends younger sister.  What's worse, she was pressing rape charges against him.  Bam. It had become official, I was dating a full-blown rapist.  But I was still obsessed.  I was in complete denial.  I had to keep him out of jail, he couldn't possibly have really done it.  Right?  All his friends vouched for him, as did I.  He was in the clear.  We kept dating.

I continued dating this scum who'd cheated on me numerous times with who knows how many girls, because I was obsessed.  I had to get him to love ONLY me.  Was it really love or was it obsession.  I never really could discern between the two.  The end of the year was fast approaching and we were having troubles.  It ended on the date of my graduation.  A year and a half relationship down the drain.  But I was still obsessed.

I started drinking and rebounding like crazy.  Trying to find love in the face of a stranger.  Never feeling quite good enough.  I was mad, absolutely mad.  And I tried so hard to make it work again, but it wouldn't.  I shouldn't have.  He was a crazy person.  Still obsessed with that 16 year old, now 17.  Still creepy, girls still filing claims against him.  An all around horrible person.  But I was still obsessed.

It took me nearly 3 years to get over it.  3 years and many miserable, failed realationships.  What is it about first loves that keeps us coming back?  What kind of crazy voodoo magic is it that turns a perfectly sane girl into a depraved, raving mad obsessor?  I don't think I'll ever know.  But I do know one thing, I'm so so glad I'll never have to go through that again.